Romeo & Juliet rewrite yeesh,worrying
by babyrubysoho
Summary: Basically a crossover, questionable humour, ruination of a classic text, Carrot bashing (yaoi implications)
1. Pointless Bickering and other stories

ROMEO AND JULIET REWRITE (oh dear)  
  
Ok, this is the first fic I've ever put up, as I'm technologically inept and useless, and rely on the help of my child sister for everything I do. This is pretty much a crossover, but I couldn't think where else to put it, so. don't worry, Sorcerer Hunters does get a look in! Anyways, enough.  
  
DRAMATIS PERSONAE  
  
ESCALUS, Prince of city - SESSHOUMARU (Inuyasha)  
  
PARIS, a young nobleman, kinsman to the Prince - KURAMA (Yu Yu Hakusho)  
  
MONTAGUE, head of Montague family - ANOTSU KAGEHISA  
  
(Blade of the Immortal)  
  
CAPULET, head of Capulet family - CARROT GLACE (Bakuretsu Hunters)  
  
ROMEO, son to Montague - KANEDA (Akira)  
  
MERCUTIO, kinsman to the Prince, friend to Romeo - HIMURA KENSHIN (Rurouni Kenshin)  
  
  
  
BENVOLIO, nephew to Montague, friend to Romeo - HIEI (Yu Yu Hakusho)  
  
TYBALT, nephew to Lady Capulet - MANJI (Blade of the Immortal)  
  
FRIAR LAWRENCE, a Franciscan - YUKI EIRI (Gravitation)  
  
BALTHAZAR, servant to Romeo - VAN FANEL (Escaflowne)  
  
LADY MONTAGUE, wife to Montague - ASANO RIN (Blade of the Immortal)  
  
LADY CAPULET, wife to Capulet - MILLE FEUILLE (Bakuretsu Hunters)  
  
JULIET, daughter to Capulet - MARRON GLACE (Bakuretsu Hunters)  
  
NURSE, to Juliet - DILANDAU (Escaflowne)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
THE PROLOGUE  
  
Enter CHORUS (YURIKA and RURI from Nadesico) On screen, as this is the big budget version without dodgy tights like the Zefferelli version  
  
Yurika: Er.er.ooh! Yes! Me and Miss Bunny Ruri are gonna tell you a story!  
  
Ruri: This is supposed to be in iambic pentameter, Captain.  
  
Yurika: (settling down) Never mind. This is a story from the place where the worlds collide.woo. This is a tale of love and chefs and -  
  
Ruri: It isn't actually.  
  
Yurika: (oblivious) Well anyway, basically, there were two families, and they didn't like each other, ooh, isn't that sad, and they had some kids, god knows how, and everybody had big problems and gender-bending issues, snark!  
  
Ruri: They were idiots.  
  
Yurika: Why am I saying all this, everybody knows what happened anyway.  
  
(Audience, which appears to comprise a large number of Fushigi Yugi characters, shakes heads and looks confused.)  
  
Ruri: (disgusted) Just follow the script, Captain.  
  
Yurika: Well then, without further ado, we present our play! Sorry, film. Thing. Yay! Let's go! Enjoy!  
  
Ruri: (sigh)  
  
  
  
ACT I, SCENE I  
  
Streets (Probably in the Makai, as it seems to have the most room for set construction)  
  
Enter Sampson and Gregory (DUO MAXWELL and QUATRE RABERBA WINNER, Gundam Wing)  
  
Duo: Dude. Don't you just love being a Capulet?  
  
Quatre: That was a really transparent attempt to subtly show people what side we're on. Duo: I don't do subtle.  
  
Quatre: We noticed.  
  
Duo: Yep. I'm glad I'm not a Montague, oh yes. And I'm glad we're the only two pilots capable of cracking a joke, hence these excellent comic roles.  
  
Quatre: I'm just glad I've got a job where I don't have to blow people up.  
  
Duo: Killing people is fun! (giggles)  
  
Quatre: (looking at script) We're supposed to be telling bawdy jests about girls.  
  
Duo: I kind of look like a girl.  
  
Quatre: (sighs) Yes, we know.  
  
Duo: But listen to my manly voice. I couldn't be anything but a boy!  
  
Quatre: This really isn't going anywhere, is it?  
  
Duo: (looks crestfallen) I guess. Let's go eat ice cream and do each other's hair, like Sailor Moon!  
  
Quatre: (brightens up)  
  
Duo: Oh, wait, actually, here come the Montagues. Yee!  
  
Quatre: Oh no.  
  
Enter Abraham and Balthazar (HEERO YUI, Gundam Wing, and VAN FANEL)  
  
Duo: (bouncing up and down waving) Yee, Heero, Heero!  
  
Heero: (looks embarrassed)  
  
Duo: Well fine then. Let's kill them. Go on Quatre, do your Zero thing.  
  
Quatre: No! That was an accident.  
  
Duo: Oh go on! Let's blow them up!  
  
Quatre: Can't you try subtlety, just once?  
  
Duo: Okay. (sticks thumbs in ears, pulls disgusting face, wiggles fingers)  
  
Heero: Stop it Duo. That's not funny.  
  
Duo: (blows raspberry) Come on, it's only a joke!  
  
Van: We're noted for having no sense of humour.  
  
Duo: Nyah, nyah, Heero wears tank tops!  
  
Quatre: (shakes head in despair)  
  
Heero: Omae o korosu.  
  
Enter Benvolio (HIEI)  
  
Quatre: Oh dear.  
  
Duo: Aah, isn't he little and cute?!  
  
Quatre: Oh crap.  
  
Duo: (looks shocked)  
  
(Heero, taking advantage of the distraction, hits Duo over the head with his revolver and pulls his hair. Fight ensues.)  
  
Hiei: Lemme at 'em!  
  
Van: (holding him back) No, you're too perilous.  
  
Hiei: Bet you're gay.  
  
Van: (coughs)  
  
Enter Tybalt (MANJI)  
  
Manji: All right, a fight! Let's go, pussies!  
  
Hiei: Come on then!  
  
Manji: (looks around for a few minutes, then spots him) Oh, it's you. Ha ha, you can't kill me, shrimp! I'm too cool.  
  
Hiei: (removing wards from arm) Wanna bet?  
  
(They fight.)  
  
Enter several of both houses (mostly characters from X and Ninja Scroll because they make for good combat scenes when not pining over doomed loves/mortal enemies etc.), who begin fighting.  
  
Hubbub: Hah! Die! (boom!) Aaagh!! Kokoryuha!! Rhubarb! It's a Gundam!  
  
Enter Old Montague in a kimono /dressing gown (ANOTSU), and Lady Montague (RIN)  
  
Anotsu: Oooh, a fight! Give me my sword back, girl.  
  
Rin: What? You never fight! Get Magatsu to do it for you.  
  
Anotsu: (whingeing) But I want to kill Maanjiii!  
  
Rin: No.  
  
Anotsu: Not fair. Look, Capulet's got a sword!  
  
Enter Old Capulet (CARROT GLACE) and Lady Capulet (MILLE FEUILLE)  
  
Carrot: Nyah! Nyah! I've got a sword! Come and get it, girly-boy!  
  
Mille: How can anyone be so clueless and yet so cuuute?! (glomps onto Carrot)  
  
Carrot: Aaargh! Get off me!  
  
Enter Prince Escalus (SESSHOUMARU), with his train and his big fluffy tail.  
  
Sess: Damn I'm pretty. Look at my pretty tail. (realises what is going on) Hey! Stop that! You! Put that sword down! Stop that Kokoryuha! I'm the most powerful demon around here, thank you very much. How many more times is this going to happen?! Anotsu, you should know better. Carrot. well.yeah. Come here, both of you. Now what do you say?  
  
Anotsu: (mumble mumble)  
  
Sess: Pardon?  
  
Anotsu: . sorry.  
  
Carrot: (scowling) .sorry.  
  
Sess: (addressing each one in turn) Eye contact: hand. Eye contact: hand. (gives them both a slap) Behave yourselves now, on pain of pain. Now go away. I have to go brush my long silky blue hair.  
  
Exuent all but Anotsu, Rin and Hiei.  
  
Anotsu: All right, who started it? It was you, wasn't it?  
  
Hiei: No.  
  
Anotsu: It was, wasn't it?  
  
Hiei: No! It was Manji.  
  
Anotsu: Oh, honestly!  
  
Hiei: (scowling) He called me a shrimp.  
  
Anotsu: (starts laughing, but thinks better of it)  
  
Rin: Stop bickering you pair of big girls. Has anyone seen my idiot son? I can't believe he wasn't involved in this.  
  
Hiei: (sulking) Saw him this morning. On his stupid big stupid bike. He could have run me over if it hadn't been for my lightning speed and dexterity. Looked pissed off.  
  
Anotsu: Yes?  
  
Rin: Probably been shot down again, useless little nympho. He takes after you, you know.  
  
Anotsu: Yes, yes, I am a man who knows nothing about making a woman happy, we've all heard.  
  
Rin: Well you'd better go and find out Hiei.  
  
Hiei: (scowling) Why me?  
  
Rin: And tell him to come and clean his room out.  
  
Enter Romeo (KANEDA)  
  
Hiei: Hn. There he is.  
  
Anotsu: (watching him in weary disbelief) Is he really my kid? Really? Hey, I'm only 22. Plus, I'm too pretty to be his dad.  
  
Rin: Yeah. Yeah! I'm a year older than him! One year! This sucks. And.and.wait. I'm not being your wife, you killed my dad. Motherfucker!  
  
(Pulls out golden wasps and stabs Anotsu, who falls over)  
  
Anotsu: Ow. Fucking ho, you're just asking for a bitch-slap.  
  
Hiei: (rolling eyes) This is screwy. Get lost. I'll go get the idiot.  
  
Exuent Anotsu and Rin  
  
Hiei: (sidles up to Kaneda) Hello brat.  
  
Kaneda: Gaah! Where did you crawl out from?!  
  
Hiei: (draws sword) Do you want to die?  
  
Kaneda: Urk.  
  
Hiei: (adopting singsong voice and bored expression) Pray tell me cousin, what is troubling you this merry morn?  
  
Kaneda: (gives him odd look) What are you talking about?  
  
Hiei: (back to normal) Nothing. I was trying out acting. I don't think I'll bother anymore. (grimacing) I take it you have woman problems, loser?  
  
Kaneda: Huh. Bitch. I was being really classy and everything, offered to beat up her boyfriend so she wouldn't have to dump him, and what do I get?  
  
Hiei: ..  
  
Kaneda: A kick in the head and a high heel in a very painful place. Love sucks. Are you laughing at me?  
  
Hiei: Yes.  
  
Kaneda: You complete bastard. Get lost.  
  
Hiei: Hn. I don't think so. So; who's the poor woman this time?  
  
Kaneda: (goes all woogly -eyed) Ah, her name.  
  
Hiei: (deadpan) Well yes that does help.  
  
Kaneda: My darling, she won't return my ardour. what shall I do.  
  
Hiei: (making vomiting sounds)  
  
Kaneda: .My beautiful Nuriko.  
  
Hiei: (rolling eyes) You always do this. Always.  
  
Kaneda: .She. what?  
  
Hiei: Why is it so hard for you to tell the difference between a girl and a boy?  
  
Kaneda: Eh? What're you talking about?  
  
Hiei: (long suffering sigh) Nuriko. Is. A. Boy.  
  
Kaneda: Ha ha, you're joking.  
  
Hiei: You just won't be told, will you?  
  
Kaneda: .ah, I love her.  
  
Hiei: If you take my advice you'll try someone a bit more. female. I'm not saying you'll do any better with them, though.  
  
Kaneda: (snidely) Yeah, well, your advice isn't exactly based on limitless experience, is it? I don't think playing 'hunt the evil demon' with that Kurama woman counts, do you?  
  
Hiei: (wearily) Kurama is a boy.  
  
Kaneda: Whatever. Let's go stalk Rune and Rath.  
  
Hiei: Fine. But I get the bike.  
  
Kaneda: You can't ride that bike!  
  
Hiei: I can do anything.  
  
Exuent, arguing. 


	2. Golf clubs, girls and genderspecific con...

*Well. This is really going nowhere, as usual. might actually get to see some Sorcerer Hunters characters this time. *  
  
SCENE II  
  
Enter Capulet (CARROT), Paris (KURAMA), and Servant (TENCHI, Tenchi Muyo)  
  
Carrot: Bloody idiot Montagues. What do they think I am, some kind of old screwball?  
  
Kurama: (sighing) I'm sure you're both honourable men. Surely you can manage to stop bickering over where to put the new golf course.  
  
Carrot: I will never surrender that golf course to Anotsu. that golf course. with its clubhouse. and it's waitresses. 'n their little frilly aprons. duh huh huh.I can't stand it.  
  
Kurama: (looks faintly horrified)  
  
Carrot: But enough of this banter! Want to marry my son, you pretty young thing, you?  
  
Kurama: (with infinite patience) I'm a guy.  
  
Carrot: Heh heh, good one, Miss! (slaps Kurama on the bum) Well, how about it baby?  
  
Kurama: (cautiously) How about. what?  
  
Carrot: Marrying my Marron, of course!  
  
Kurama: Phew. Er. but don't you think-  
  
Carrot: Not very often!  
  
Kurama: (stalling) I mean. We're both only 16. we should wait until-  
  
Carrot: (oblivious) Nonsense! That's no problem, you're both mature, responsible. let's have a party to celebrate! Ooh, with serving girls and dancing girls and alcohol and other kinds of girls! Tonight! Tenchi!  
  
Tenchi: (who has been dozing off in the corner) Huh?  
  
Carrot: (scribbling) Here, go invite all these girls to my party! Yay!  
  
Exuent Carrot, dragging Kurama with him.  
  
Tenchi: What now? I can't read this terrible writing. I guess I'll just hang around here.  
  
Enter Benvolio (HIEI) and Romeo (KANEDA)  
  
Benvolio: Stop whining you big baby. I'm not about to explain the fundamental differences between men and women for you! I told you Rune is a guy.  
  
Romeo: Awww.  
  
Tenchi: Hi guys.  
  
Kaneda: Hey Tenchi. What's up?  
  
Tenchi: I can't read this writing. Can you have a go?  
  
Kaneda: Heh heh, I can barely read at all!  
  
Tenchi: What about you, Hiei? (thrusts paper at him)  
  
Hiei: I could set fire to it for you. Oh give it here. Ahem:  
  
'Any girls. Any at all. Especially Nuriko and Rune. And Manji and Kenshin I s'pose. It's party time!' Hn. Looks like he has your problem, Kaneda.  
  
Kaneda: What problem?  
  
Tenchi: Thanks. Don't bother coming, it'll be rubbish. Kaneda won't get in anyway 'cos he's a Montague and an idiot.  
  
Hiei: That's certainly true.  
  
Tenchi: See you then.  
  
Exit Tenchi  
  
Hiei: I take it you want to go to this party.  
  
Kaneda: (drooling) Nuriko..  
  
Hiei: I'll take that as a yes, then. Okay, I'll show you what a real female looks like. We'll view this as an educational experience.  
  
Kaneda: Duh huh huh.  
  
Hiei: And then I'll kill you.  
  
Exuent.  
  
SCENE III  
  
A room in the Capulet's house. Juliet (MARRON) is on the floor reading Cosmopolitan with apparent enjoyment; the Nurse (DILANDAU) is on the bed quietly torturing quite small mice.  
  
Enter Lady Capulet (MILLE FEUILLE)  
  
Mille: Marron! Where are- oh, there you are. Dilandau, put those down.  
  
Dilandau: (sulks)  
  
Mille: Your father wants you to get married. Next week.  
  
Marron: Erk.  
  
Mille: Exactly. Now I know you're only sixteen - (aside to Dilandau) That's right, isn't it?  
  
Dilandau: How the feck should I know?  
  
Mille: Well anyway. Your father wants you to marry. and as usual he's picked a boy. You know what he's like, he just can't tell. except with me, he can tell I'm a guy, god knows how.  
  
Dilandau: It's because you keep getting into bed with him.  
  
Mille: Good point! Anyway, he wants you to meet him, so he's having one of his parties tonight.  
  
Marron: (does the eyebrow crease thing that shows he's worried) Oh dear. Um. who is it?  
  
Mille: Well, his name is Kurama.  
  
Marron: (brightens up) Kurama?  
  
Mille: So just put him off if-  
  
Marron: Hmmm.maybe not..  
  
Mille: Okay then! What're you going to wear?  
  
Dilandau: Well he basically has a selection of white robes with front fastening, white robes with side fastening, and white robes with gold toggles for that party look.  
  
Marron: (brushing hair lovingly) Ah, the agony of choice.  
  
Mille: Ah, my little baby, all grown up! Do you remember what a pretty little boy he was, Nurse?  
  
Dilandau: (still sulking) No. He was a little brat and he used to cry all the time and wear a dress. That'll be your influence, Mille.  
  
Mille: (happy smile)  
  
Enter a Serving man (TENCHI again)  
  
Tenchi: Mille, it's dinnertime, your husband's drunk already, the guests are here, Nuriko Rune and Kurama are playing with each other's hair and I'm being chased by manic space pirates. Please hurry down, I can't cope!  
  
Mille: Coming!  
  
Exit Tenchi.  
  
Dilandau: Well let's go if we're going.  
  
Marron: (smiles faintly- a sure sign of enjoyment) Okay then.  
  
Exuent. 


	3. Dreams, flirting and Gone With The Winds...

Wow. Made it to the third chapter. Never thought I'd live to see that happen. Once again, in this incredible instalment nothing will happen, apart from. well, apart from nothing, really.  
  
SCENE IV  
  
A street.  
  
*Enter Romeo (KANEDA), Mercutio (KENSHIN), Benvolio (HIEI) with various hangers-on.*  
  
Kaneda: My feet hurt.  
  
Hiei: Stop moaning or I'll cut them off.  
  
Kaneda: (falling over) It's dark in this alley! Why do we have to sneak in the back way? I wanna-  
  
Hiei: Look, do you want to know what a girl looks like or not?  
  
Kenshin: Don't be so hard on him. He's in love.  
  
Hiei: He falls in love every three minutes.  
  
Kenshin: But love is important!  
  
Hiei: Look who's talking. You killed your girlfriend!  
  
Kenshin: There's no need to rub it in.  
  
Hiei: Well make him shut up then. They'll recognise him even in the dark. No one else is that stupid!  
  
Kenshin: Okay then. (attempts to shake Kaneda, who is considerably bigger than him) Pull yourself together you snivelling brat or I'll cut you up!  
  
Hiei: (impressed)  
  
Kaneda: (slightly concussed) La la la. pretty sky.pretty moon.ah, I must be dreaming..  
  
Kenshin: I had a dream last night.  
  
Hiei: That's nice.  
  
Kenshin: It was really weird.  
  
Hiei: I really don't care.  
  
Kenshin: I was walking down this road and people kept trying to make me turn my sakabato over and then it went all dark and there were these little winged people and they made all tinkly noises and they were really pretty and -  
  
Kaneda: He's been at the sake already.  
  
Kenshin: (by now talking to anyone who'll listen) - and then they bit me and I was only wearing my pyjamas and somebody had cut my hair off and I cried and -  
  
Hiei: Shut up.  
  
Kenshin: Sorry.  
  
Hiei: If you don't get a move on we might as well not go at all.  
  
Kaneda: I can tell this is gonna be a weird night.  
  
Hiei: ..  
  
SCENE V  
  
*The party. Various revellers and servants are getting drunk.*  
  
Tenchi: (bombarded by women) Aargh! Help me! Somebody!  
  
Enter Capulet (CARROT), Juliet (MARRON), Tybalt (MANJI) and guests.  
  
Carrot: Woo! Look at all these women! Please sleep with me Miss! (slapped by passing girl) Okay, then you! Spend the night with me! Duh huh huh.  
  
Marron: *cringing with embarrassment*  
  
Enter Romeo (KANEDA), Benvolio (HIEI) and Mercutio (KENSHIN).  
  
Kaneda: Look at all these women! Please Miss, will you -  
  
Hiei: No, that's not a girl either.  
  
Kaneda: (spots Marron) OHMYGOD, who is that?! Guys?  
  
*Hiei is ignoring him and conversing pointedly with Nuriko. Kenshin is engaged in a glaring battle with Manji across the room*  
  
Kenshin: ..  
  
Manji: ..!  
  
Kaneda: (talking to himself) Oh she is beautiful! I'm in love, I'm in love, look at her beautiful hair and her beautiful eyes and -  
  
Nuriko: Phew. That's a weight off my mind.  
  
Kenshin: (glare) .!  
  
Manji: (glare) .!  
  
*Kurama and Marron now appear to be having a very polite conversation whilst giving each other inappropriate looks*  
  
Kurama: I don't know what your father's told you, but I'm a guy.  
  
Marron: I know. I'm not blind.  
  
Kurama: I'm so glad. You seem vaguely sane, whereas your father.  
  
Marron: I'm not actually convinced they're my parents. This casting is bizarre. I always thought Carrot was my brother. and I know Mille isn't a woman. How I was born at all is a mystery to me.  
  
Kurama: You think you've got problems. This isn't even my real body; I'm actually a couple of thousand years old; in my true form I'm a fox.  
  
Marron: (pressing up closer to him) You don't say.  
  
Kurama: (looks pleased) Uh huh!  
  
Marron: I'm the reincarnation of a god.  
  
Kurama: It's nice that we have something in common.  
  
Manji: (stare) .  
  
Kenshin: (stare) .  
  
Kaneda: (spots Kurama kissing Marron behind potted plant) Woo! Lesbians!  
  
Manji: Hey, I know him! He's a Montague! I wanna -  
  
Carrot: He's not a girl.  
  
Manji: No but -  
  
Carrot: Then I don't care!  
  
Manji: But he shouldn't -  
  
Carrot: No. No fighting. Just women.  
  
Manji: But -  
  
Carrot: No!  
  
Manji: (gives up)  
  
*Exit Manji, in search of Kenshin.*  
  
Kaneda: (crouching behind potted plant) Psst! Hey, baby!  
  
Marron: (Kaneda is out of his line of vision) Huh?  
  
Kaneda: Down here!  
  
Marron: Yes? Can I help you?  
  
Kaneda: Give us a kiss, babe!  
  
Marron: Ick.  
  
Kaneda: (attempts to kiss him) Please! I love you!  
  
Marron: (slaps him)  
  
Kurama: Excuse me. We were kind of in the middle of a private conversation.  
  
Kaneda: (undaunted) Hey, you wanna join in too, I've got no problem with that!  
  
Kurama: (busts out Rose Whip and sends him flying) Now where were we?  
  
*Enter Nurse (DILANDAU), looking relatively normal in party frock.*  
  
Dilandau: Hey! Marron! Mille wants to talk to you.  
  
Kaneda: (whispering to Dilandau) Who is that beautiful girl?  
  
Dilandau: Ahem. He is the only child of the Capulet household. And he's way out of your league, kid.  
  
Kaneda: Who is?  
  
Dilandau: Unbelievable.  
  
Kaneda: (heroically) A Capulet, eh? Well I shall fight for her!  
  
Dilandau: Hahahaha! You're an idiot.  
  
Hiei: (appears from nowhere) I think you've had quite enough fun for one night. Let's go brat!  
  
Carrot: Ok everyone! Bedtime! Any of you lucky ladies are welcome to join me! Anyone?  
  
Mille: Meee!  
  
Carrot: Aargh!  
  
*Exuent all but Marron and Dilandau.*  
  
Marron: Who the hell was that?  
  
Dilandau: That was Kaneda. He's a Montague. The son of your great enemy. He's also a terminal idiot.  
  
Marron: Hmm. I wonder if we were swapped at birth. He seems much more like Carrot than I do.  
  
Dilandau: His father's certainly pretty enough.  
  
Marron: Oh yes?  
  
Dilandau: I don't think he's very suitable for you. If you must go for guys, stick to nice boys like Kurama.  
  
Marron: I wasn't -  
  
Dilandau: Kaneda may seem exciting and 'different' but that's no reason to sleep with him.  
  
Marron: Urgh! I had no intention of -  
  
Dilandau: That's all right then.  
  
*Exuent.* 


	4. Bad comeons Actually, that's about it An...

It's probably a bit late to say this, but. none of the characters in this fine piece of drama belong to me. Anyone and anything alluded to is copyright of its respective owner (I'm a peasant, don't sue me!). Well now we're in for a feast of bad chat-up lines and quotes from totally random things. Go me!  
  
ACT II  
  
Enter Chorus (YURIKA and RURI).  
  
Yurika: Ahh, it's all so romantic! Are you following this so far?  
  
*Audience shakes heads. Hotohori the only one who doesn't look totally bewildered. Tasuki and the twins are asleep*  
  
Yurika: Well, now the lovers have met! What does cruel Fate have in store for them? Will Kaneda ever become a balanced human being? Will Marron get to sleep with Kurama? Let's find out!  
  
Ruri: (sigh)  
  
SCENE I  
  
A lane by the wall of Capulet's orchard.  
  
*Enter Romeo (KANEDA), alone.*  
  
Kaneda: Heh heh heh! I can conquer this mountain! We'll see if she's out of my league or not!  
  
(climbs wall and disappears)  
  
Enter Benvolio (HIEI) with Mercutio (KENSHIN).  
  
Hiei: Hey brat! Come on out before we're forced to come in and kill you.  
  
Kenshin: Maybe he's gone home?  
  
Hiei: Don't be so naïve. This is Kaneda we're talking about. I know he's in there somewhere.  
  
Kenshin: I bet he's still chasing Nuriko.  
  
Hiei: Unlikely. Nuriko went home with Van. I knew he was gay.  
  
Kenshin: Let's just leave him then. I'm freezing my cute little butt off out here, I want my bed.  
  
Hiei: Hn. I'm gonna kill him tomorrow.  
  
*Exuent.*  
  
SCENE II  
  
Capulet's orchard.  
  
*Enter Romeo (KANEDA).*  
  
Kaneda: Right, where is she?  
  
*Marron appears at upstairs window*  
  
Kaneda: Aha! There's my baby. She is so beautiful! Wow, what I wouldn't give for a night with her, her milk skin, her golden eyes, her hair like black satin. hey, I'm not bad at this soliloquising.  
  
Marron: (sigh)  
  
Kaneda: Ah! She speaks! Speak again, bright angel! Damn I'm good.  
  
Marron: (strikes romantic pose) My love! How I wish to feel your touch.  
  
Kaneda: (drooling) This is my lucky night..!  
  
Marron: Kurama.  
  
Kaneda: ?  
  
Marron: My god Kaneda is a dimwit. I was just getting some action. Idiot Montagues.  
  
Kaneda: She said my name! Let's go! Hey baby!  
  
Marron: Gaah! It's you! What are you doing under my balcony at this time of night?  
  
Kaneda: I love you!  
  
Marron: Ick.  
  
Kaneda: Hey baby, wanna do the sweet thing?  
  
Marron: I'm not a girl you know.  
  
Kaneda: Whatever you say darlin'.  
  
Marron: But I'm not.  
  
Kaneda: Will you go out with me?  
  
Marron: Well you're nothing if not persistent.  
  
Kaneda: So hows about you listen to some of my witty anecdotes?  
  
Marron: ..  
  
Kaneda: What about the time I fell into the water and was almost eaten by a hammerhead shark?  
  
Marron: . er. go on then.  
  
Kaneda: Well. I fell into the water and was almost eaten by a shark. And the funny thing is, its head was exactly the same shape as a hammer!  
  
Marron: ..  
  
Kaneda: And this one time, at band camp.  
  
Elsewhere.  
  
Manji: (glare) .!  
  
Kenshin: zzzzzzzzzzz...  
  
Kaneda: .So then basically my best friend morphed into this organic / metallic mutant and destroyed half of Neo-Tokyo, so I was kinda screwed again on that.  
  
Marron: (glare)  
  
Kaneda: Come on and sleep with me bitch!  
  
Marron: I'm a boy, I'm a boy. I wish I were dead.  
  
Kaneda: If you say no, Elwood and I will come here for breakfast, lunch and supper every day of the week.  
  
Marron: .?  
  
Kaneda: (fatuous grin)  
  
Marron: Go away.  
  
Kaneda: (clinging onto balcony) Come on baby, I can give you what you need!  
  
Marron: (treads on his fingers)  
  
Kaneda: Yaargh! (falls off, climbs back up again)  
  
Marron: I'm going to roll my eyes meaningfully and I expect you to understand me and leave me alone.  
  
Kaneda: (changing tack) er. something romantic, prob'ly, is in the East and whatsyername. Marron.is the sun and -  
  
Marron: I fancy your dad.  
  
Kaneda: ?!  
  
Marron: Get off my balcony before I call my rabid nurse.  
  
Kaneda: Nurse?  
  
Marron: Don't even say anything.  
  
Kaneda: But baybeee.  
  
Marron: Shut up! DIIILAAANDAAUUU!!!  
  
Enter Nurse (DILANDAU) in black PVC and cute little nurse-hat thingy with oversize blowtorch.  
  
Dilandau: (insane laughter)  
  
Kaneda: That's a nurse?!  
  
Marron: He's more a girl than me, you know. Now go away.  
  
Kaneda: Will you leave me so unsatisfied?!  
  
Marron: (back to normal bored expression) What satisfaction can you have tonight?  
  
Kaneda: Well, 1), you could go d -  
  
Dilandau: BURN!! Hahahahah!  
  
*randomly blowtorching everything in sight. Marron is wearing a welder's mask and trying to put out his robes*  
  
Kaneda: Aaagh! Okay, I'm going, I'm going! Marron, marry me! I'll come see you tomorrow!  
  
*jumps up and kisses him*  
  
Marron: Eeuw!!  
  
Dilandau: (produces sword and hits Kaneda over the head with the hilt) I'll kill him for you later. Now go to bed bitch.  
  
Marron: (sulk)  
  
  
  
*Exuent*  
  
  
  
Yeah. total OOC-ness of characters abounds here. But what're you gonna do? Huh? Please review and tell me! (but not if it's something really violent or nightmare-inducing) 


End file.
